Pure Nonsense Story

As a writing challenge six friends have each given me two random words. These words must each be used once in a short story or poem.

Brent – Jar Jar Binks, scrum-diddily-umptious
Desiree – pickles, heart
Jen – pudding, walking
Marci – certificate, printer
Sarah – elephant, generous
Tifany – cow dung, delightful

So without further ado………..The Naughty Chicken

Clarice was a piece of fried chicken. She lived on a counter top in a kitchen in Kailua Kona, Hawaii. She wasn’t a bad piece of chicken at heart. She just couldn’t help herself when the opportunity presented itself. You may wonder why a scrum-diddily-umtious piece of chicken hadn’t been eaten by now. Well the people who owned the house were a band of vegetarian gypsies that despised beef, but still longed for the juicy taste of poultry. They left Clarice out to remind them that eating chicken was wrong.
It was three o’cluck when the elephant came sliding across the counter screaming, “FARRRRAAHH FAAAWWCEEEETTTT HEEELP MEEE!” He slipped to a stand still and starred at Clarice with a grimace. “What the Sam Heck are you doing here?”, he asked annoyed. He started walking closer to her in an awkward Jar-Jar Binks-esque fashion. He was nearly blind.
“Well, dumplin’”
(Oh did I mention she was originally from Mississippi but was sent to Honolulu in a freaking shipping accident where the vegans picked up the package thinking it was a piano cover they had ordered? No? Sorry about that then.)
“Well, dumplin’”, she clucked, “It just so happens I’m waiting for you.” She lied. She had no idea who this elephant was or what he wanted.
“We need you back at the Pudding Palace.”, he spoke with urgency.
“As I said, I’ve been waiting for you to come and get me.”, she smiled to herself realizing the trick she was about to play on him.
“Ar-aren’t yo-you forgetting something?”, he stuttered.
“What’s that, hun?”, she asked.
“What about the certficate, miss?”, he said impatiently, “you’re forgetting the certificate.”
She returned a delightful reply, “Oh yeah, the certificate. I’ve got that right here.” She pulled a greasy napkin out from under her. “Here it is.”, she showed him.
“Put that away! Are you crazy?? Someone could see it.”, he yelled.
“Sorry, sugar.”, she said while folding it up and hiding it under her breading, “You know, you’re a rather small elephant.”
“I’m of adequate size, miss, to do my job. Thank you very much.”, he snorted, “Now, follow me.” He turned and started marching. She quickly grabbed a jar of pickles that stood by her and slowly followed the elephant. She could see a piece of cow dung that clung to the back of his hoof.(Do elephants have hoofs? Paws?) She was disgusted even for a piece of chicken. Just as the elephant got to the edge of the counter she gave the jar a generous toss. It hit him squarely in the trunk as he turned around to monitor her progress. “OUCH!! THAT SMARTS, MISS”, he yelped.
Clarice got a running start, took up speed, and plowed into the side of the elephant sending him ears over ass beyond the counter edge. “THIS IS MY COUNTER!! NO ONE ORDERS ME AROUND ON MY COUNTER!!,” She squealed with delight. The poor elephant died of a head injury. Which is just as well, since he had developed a tusk tumor from sitting by the printer all day at work and had only hours to live. Plus one of the vegans went bat-shit crazy and ate Clarice two days later when she was playing scrabble with the salt shaker. She was just about to get a triple word score too. With the word ‘devour’. Ironic, huh? But she deserved it I suppose. She was quite a bitch.

There Is Beauty In All Things

Inspired by my friend, Jake, this is one of my favorite Charles Bukowski poems.

One For Old Snaggle-Tooth

I know a woman
who keeps buying puzzles
chinese
puzzles
blocks
wires
pieces that finally fit
into some order.
she works it out
mathematically
she solves all her
puzzles
lives down by the sea
puts sugar out for the ants
and believes
ultimately
in a better world.
her hair is white
she seldom combs it
her teeth are snaggled
and she wears loose shapeless
coveralls over a body most
women would wish they had.
for many years she irritated me
with what I considered her
eccentricities—
like soaking eggshells in water
(to feed the plants so that
they’d get calcium).
but finally when I think of her
life
and compare it to other lives
more dazzling, original
and beautiful
I realize that she has hurt fewer
people than anybody I know
(and by hurt I mean hurt).
she has had some terrible times,
times when maybe I should have
helped her more
for she is the mother of my only
child
and we were once great lovers,
but she has come through
like I said
she has hurt fewer people than
anybody I know,
and if you look at it like that,
well,
she has created a better world.
she has won.

Frances, this poem is for
you.

-Charles Bukowski

Please don’t sue me, oh great publishers of Charles Bukowski stuff.

Gooses! Geeses! I want a goose that lays gold eggs for Easter!

As many of you know, I am making chocolates this year. Truffles, peanut butter cups, cashew logs, almond joys, peanut brittle. I am thrilled. I have been searching for cool candy boxes. Any ideas? Also I am making 6 different kinds of truffles. Any ideas there. I am making three based on cocktails and three others. GIVE ME IDEAS PLEASE!!! I AM DESPERATE!!

Weights and Measures

In case you were wondering.

[12:39] eMallory: so i think i’ll print it on a transparency.
[12:39] eMallory: since i have an assload of those now.
[12:39] eMallory: and then lay it over various color paper bits.
[12:39] hobbes8u: How many is an assload
[12:39] eMallory: like 40
[12:39] eMallory: lol
[12:40] hobbes8u: I’ve always wondered
[12:40] hobbes8u: hmm
[12:40] hobbes8u: so $200 dollars would be like 5 assloads of dollars
[12:40] eMallory: yep

So two score=one assload

Vegas, The Continuing Saga.

PART IV
Thursday, September 14, 2007

This story is continued from this blog entry.

So I sat there watching Everybody Loves Raymond and drinking as much Bacardi Rum as possible. Have you ever noticed how funny this show is? By the time Sheridee came and got me I was very, very happy, if you know what I mean. She maneuvers me through the casino and out onto Fremont Street. It’s beautiful.

The lights are much brighter there
You can forget all your troubles, forget all your cares and go
Downtown where all the lights are bright,
Downtown, waiting for you tonight,
Downtown, you’re gonna be alright now
Downtown

Shar and Sheridee have these ginormous slushies. Well I wanted one. So Shar whisked me away to a shop. We again slid past slot machines galore to arrive at the slushy counter. The lady asks what do I want? “I don’t know”, I say, “All the colors!!” She asks me if I want some extra Everclear in my drink for $2 more. “WHY YES I DO. HOW DID YOU KNOW??”, I respond. She smiles and makes me a gigantisquishy. slurp. slurp. slurp. We head over to the pretty metal ball. People are driving motorcycles in it. They are awesome!! Then the Fremont Street Experience starts. The lights are so colorful. They start playing 80′s music. I started screaming along to them as we head over to the next attraction. One of those long ribbons hanging from the ceiling where the strong guys dangle from them and wrap them around their legs with no hands and stuff. I’m yelling out the lyrics to the current song as loud as I can.

I come home in the morning light,
My mother says “When you gonna live your life right?”
Oh,mother,dear,
We’re not the fortunate ones,
And girls,
They wanna have fu-un.
Oh,girls,
Just wanna have fun.

Corey takes away my drink. I beg for it back. I need it. All of a sudden this lady says, “Aw give it back to him. It’s Vegas!” I successfully get my drink back. We start singing together. Her name’s Leigh. I love Leigh!! The guy comes out and starts his ribbon twirling but there is some malfunction and they cancel it. Me and Leigh are screaming at the top of our lungs. But I’m happy. I’m totally snockered. My drink is starting to get lower. So I slur my good-byes to my new friend Leigh. Everyone leads me too my room to avoid any further embarrassment. WHAT?? I was having fun!!

Dizzy, I’m so dizzy my head is spinning
Like a whirlpool it never ends
And it’s You girl makin’ it spin
You’re making me dizzy

I watch tv and dose off. Finally at three am I force myself to vomit so I can sleep more comfortably. AHHH WHAT A NIGHT!!

(To be continued)

Let’s Go To The Movies

Over the weekend I’ve watched quite a few movies, classic and modern.

The Bank Dick from 1940 starring W C Fields. This is W C Fields at his drunken best. It’s fun. It’s funny. Why not watch it drunk too?
Running With Scissors from 2006 It’s crazy, sometimes annoying. I enjoyed performances by Gwenyth Paltrow, Kristin Chenoweth(Who doesn’t love Kristin Chenoweth? I ask you.), and Jill Clayburgh. Go ahead and watch it. It’s original, but you’ll only need to watch it once.
Notes On A Scandal from 2006 This was awesome. Put Judi Dench and Cate Blanchett in a film together and they can do no wrong. This is a must watch. MUST WATCH!!
Raging Bull from 1980 with Robert De Niro in an Oscar-winning performance. It was a great film, but I’d never watch it again. Boxing movies make me sleepy. De Niro did well as did Joe Pesci.

Now some people may know how much I love AFI’s top 100 lists. I have always had a goal to watch all the movies on these lists no matter what. The main list I’ve been working on for a few years is their 1997 Top 100 movies of all time. Raging Bull was number 24. This leaves me with 12 more to watch. So what if I’m crazy. I like lists, and I like films. I will let them rule my life if I want.

A Friend of Dorothy

Top ten signs that point to my “gaiety”.

10. I can crochet, cross stitch, sew, and craft.
9. I’m design saavy. Many females ask for my advice with colors, balance and decorating.
8. Sometimes I organize my DVDs and videos by the color of their cases.
7. My voice is feminine. People call me ma’am on the phone all the time.
6. I love to read celebrity gossip.
5. I love Musicals.
4. I owned Debbie Gibson’s first album.
3. When I was little my two friends, Ariann and Allison, and I used to fight over who got to be the mom when we played house.
2. I used to love Peter Tork from the Monkees.
1. I like to watch The View, The View for God’s sake.

I challenge you to a….

Dear Diary,

It’s 6:32pm. I’m sitting at work and I really need to pee. But I’m too lazy to go to the bathroom. I wish it was acceptable to pee your pants. I just read on Two Loose Teeth that it’s National Blog Posting month of something like that. Anyway, what that means is a challenge to post thirty days in a row. Well since Sarah didn’t post this until the second, I have missed the first day of the challenge. DAMN YOU, SARAH!! Naw I’m kidding diary, I love Sarah. Put that icepick down. SO OKAY FINE! I’ll heed the challenge. All those lucky bitches reading my blog will have a smorgasbord of awesomeness. NO, THEY AREN’T BITCHES. You’re right! You’re one preachy diary. I just thought I’d tell you. SHEESH. So let’s see if we can do 30 days in a row.

Sincerely,
Jeremy

The Candywoman Can

My Grandma died tonight. She didn’t make the headlines. She wasn’t well known. She wasn’t America’s sweetheart. She didn’t change the world. But she was real. She told you like it is. She had a smoky cackle. She had hair like Ursula, the sea witch, and a voice to match. She said God damn with the best of them. She wasn’t drop dead gorgeous with a body that wouldn’t quit. But her hugs were forever and healing. She baked the best bread. In her time she was a great golfer and bowler. She had some funny moments. At our house one morning she mistook a can of Dow bathroom cleaner for aerosol hairspray. She came running out of the bathroom with a foaming head of hair, cursing away. She wasn’t a fan of the buzzer in a Taboo game. She used to wear hooker red lipstick and her cigarettes, when she smoked, had lovely magenta tips. Ah, she was grand. Everyone loved my grandmother. She did so much for everyone around her. She made delicious bottled green beans, and she threw the Yahtzee dice far. She would sing Mairzy Doats and The Three Little Fishies to the delight of her grandchildren. No she wasn’t famous, but she was someone. And I loved her.

Maybe she did change the world.

Grandma Dorthy Irene Stewart April 9, 1929-October 2, 2007 I love you, lady.

This is Bollocks

Some of my favorite Britcoms:

Little Britain which is coming to HBO sometime soon
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French and Saunders, a brilliant pair

Vicar Of Dibley, Also with Dawn French. Emma Chambers is hilarious

Last but not least two clips from The Catherine Tate Show.